Yesterday, my Grandma passed away.
I'm not going to lie, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for it.
But can you really
prepare yourself for this?
She'd not been well since around September/October time. Her mind was deteriorating, she wasn't the person I remembered growing up with anymore, but she was still my Grandma. She was having severe back pains, had lost her confidence, her hearing was getting worse (even worse than usual!), and she often had this...almost 'zombie' like look on her face that appeared lost and confused.
Then, around January, she stopped eating properly. She was only eating less than usual at this point, but by February, many types of foods were just making her sick. We begged for her to go to the Drs for at least 2 weeks, and the only reason she eventually did
go was due to us making an appointment for her. In January, she weighed around 10 st. At the end of February? Around 8 st.
The Dr was clearly concerned, and he did blood pressure readings, ultrasound scans, blood tests, all the usual. She was then referred to the hospital for further tests such as CT scans.
On Monday, they took her weight at the hospital again before her last scan - she was only just over 7 st. She couldn't afford to stop eating like this.
And her body couldn't take it.
We were due to get all of her test results yesterday, and to find out what the problem was. I was at work, so it was Dad who went to pick her up around lunch time.
And her found her on the kitchen floor.
I was still at work, having quite an enjoyable day if I'm to be honest.
Me and my colleage were out flying our five turkey vultures, when my boss asked us to put them away as quickly as possible.
I knew something was wrong, as both mum and dad were there.
That's when I was told the bad news.
I don't really know how to feel. 'Numb' is the only way we can think of describing it.
Part of me, the selfish part, just wants her back.
But the other part of me is glad. Because she's not suffering, she's no longer in pain, she's not constantly worrying......and she never did know what was wrong with her.
I think that's the most important part. She didn't have the worry of knowing exactly what was wrong and what to expect.
She saw me and my family happy. She saw me through Uni, and me getting the job I love.
I know she was proud of me, and supported me until the end.
She died at home; the place she'd loved living in for over 50 years.
But we're human. We're selfish. When we choose to love, we choose to cry.
So in short, I'm not going to take time away from the internet. I don't think that will help. I'm going to try and keep myself busy, and keep things as 'normal' as possible.
I think I'm going to make a little book. Like a memories scrapbook. With lots of pictures and cards from her and stuff. That's what I want to do...but maybe not quite yet.
I really need cuddles, but my boyfriend is on holiday...so those will have to wait.Thanks to those who posted suggestions in my previous journal, appreciate it greatly.
Thank you for your patience with me. I really do appreciate it.